wine snobs

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I like red wine.  A lot.  Pinot noir is my favorite varietal because of its effortless drinkability and it’s clean, fruit forward style.  Now, before you start ruffling your feathers and dropping big words like: mouthfeel, minerality, barnyard, and super tuscan, let me point out that most people who talk like they know about wine, know very little about wine (this statement can refer to most things actually).  You know the type, right? You’re trying to enjoy your $9 glass of pinot, and Grant Dimwitt III (the very same one from the cocktail party with the swanky pad in Manhattan and the free Yankees tickets) asks you what your favorite pinot noir is (with a horrible french accent).  You smile and get ready to respond, but before you utter a single word he’s already started telling you (and everyone else at the bar) about his close connection to the owner of Domaine de la Romanée-Conti (“you know, my buddy at DRC?”).  He pauses for a moment to allow for the gasps and whispers of awe to transpire, then swirls his glass and becomes somber and nearly emotional as he describes a Sassicaia, a Screaming Eagle and a Grange as though reciting a Shakespearean sonnet: “No, it wasn’t a true red, it was more of a medium ruby, a muddied blood, a purple-crushed velvet” (an insecure junior investment banker tries to hide his michelob ultra behind his briefcase).  “And the nose?  Like the dying embers of a long burning fire: smoke and cedar, with a touch of vanilla…at once muted and multidimensional.” (you start seeing unicorns again and the bartender nods his head as though he fully understands how something can be both muted and multidimensional at the same time).  “The palate was lush and tasted of wet leaves after a November rain (this is about the time when you choke on your baguette and have the urge to ask this idiot how many times he’s eaten wet leaves).  “A hint of white pepper, and the tannins firm and ripe, with a welcome taste of slate and raspberries, and an elegant finish.” A unicorn chugs the rest of the neglected michelob ultra and gives you a wink. “It had the most decadent, velvety mouthfeel…” (was he still talking?).  The funny thing about guys like Grant is that they usually impress people, and I always find that baffling.  So what if you’ve googled the top ten wines of the world and have memorized Wine Spectator’s tasting notes on all of them, anyone can do that…but only a Grant type will.  Many junior investment bankers will be impressed by his flashy suit, which he says was made custom by a small italian mill in Milan that no one has ever heard of (your unicorn friend lifts the jacket from the back of his chair with his teeth and shows you the label: Joseph A. Bank).  He gives a few dumbfounded suits his business card and leaves without paying the tab…

My current favorite pinot?  Domaine Serene Evenstad Reserve pinot noir from Oregon.  Domaine Serene – Evenstad Reserve.
Forget europe, drink some A-mur-ican wine already!  

One thought on “wine snobs

    Anonymous said:
    October 12, 2011 at 12:06 am

    I've always wondered how Joseph A. Bank stays in business? Anyway, another fabulous blog by the one and only!

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