Now that everyone’s waist deep in the holiday season with “to do” lists longer than Obamacare’s website, I offer a ridiculously simple gluten free bread recipe to curb feelings of insanity. Hooray! This recipe is an adaptation of the Life Changing Loaf from the fabulous blog My New Roots. In addition to this need-to-make-now delicious bread, I suggest you put down your nearly maxed out visa and place those heinous Ugg boots back on the shelf (or back on the sheep’s back) where they belong. Instead of running around the mall like a zombie, chomping down Xanax and drinking so many pumpkin chai latte’s that friends think the cinnamon-nutmeg-clove odor wafting from your pores is actually some exotic perfume purchased from Sephora, take a moment to enjoy this beautiful time of year. The holidays should celebrate our love- for family, for each other, and for the festivities that make this time of year so special, not the wrapped boxes of stuff we give to one another. I’m talking about a plump, pine scented tree, bad Christmas music, tiny white lights, Elf, ugly sweaters, and lots of family madness. Oh yeah, and a table strewn with plate-licking vegan deliciousness atop a set of Spode Christmas dinnerware. Yes, please!
1 1/2 cups rolled oats
1 cup raw sunflower seeds
1/2 cup raw pecans, crumbled by hand
1/2 cup fruit juice sweetened raisins
2 tablespoons coarsely ground flaxseed
2 tablespoons chia seed
3 tablespoons whole psyllium husk powder
1 teaspoon sea salt
1 tablespoon maple syrup
3 tablespoons refined coconut oil, gently melted
Combine dry ingredients in a large mixing bowl. Melt coconut oil in a small saucepan, and pour into another bowl with water and maple syrup. Mix wet mixture with dry and stir with a wooden spoon until ingredients are well distributed. Scrape mixture into a lightly oiled, silicone loaf pan (you can use a regular loaf pan, but it won’t be as easy to remove the loaf). Allow bread to sit out at room temperature for 2 hours. Preheat oven to 350. Bake loaf for 30 minutes, then remove from oven and carefully flip onto a baking sheet. Remove pan and place loaf back into the oven for another 30 minutes. That’s it! Now transfer to a cooling rack or tray and try to wait for the loaf to cool before slicing. This bread is amazing when toasted! Try topping with cashew cheese and roasted beets, or just slather on some earth balance and congratulate yourself on being a genius in the kitchen. Makes one loaf, or enough to feed a small herd of reindeer impersonating unicorns before they hijack santa’s sleigh.
Kale is the preeminent hottie celeb in veggie land; a leafy, tall, barefaced beauty, loaded with chlorophyll (no botox needed here) and ready to kick some free radical ass. Poor broccoli has all but been forgotten, even though this cruciferous superfood is a cancer fighting cross fitter with stalks of muscle and a thick head of green bushy hair to boot. In fact, a friend of mine recently read an article about how broccoli producers are trying to formulate new marketing strategies to bring broccoli’s sexy back. Food trends are crazy, and now that I’m the the ripe old age of 30, I can reflect with a haughty chuckle, the numerous foods that have enjoyed their 10 seconds of fame, and have since faded to obscurity i.e agave nectar, acai berries, veggie dogs, and anything made by Kashi.
One trend, however, that’s here to stay, involves those foods lucky enough to bear a shiny label that reads “Gluten Free”. Like its good friend (and liar) “All Natural”, gluten free foods are the newest paved road to immortality and visions of unicorns (unless, like me, you already live with one). I nearly wept when my blood test results came back declaring an allergy to wheat, thus ostracizing me with scarlet “GF” letters, and throwing me into a breadless basket of wheat haters. I love bread. No, I don’t think you understand–like, really, LOVE bread. If I don’t start my day with a sprouted whole wheat onion & poppyseed bagel toasted with herbed cashew cream cheese, I feel as though my soul is being slowly sucked away by a dementor (if you don’t know what a dementor is, then we’ll never be friends, however, for the sake of sharing important information, a dementor is a creature from the Harry Potter series that sucks all the happiness from your body until you die).
I can’t do the green smoothie thing, or the granola thing, or the quinoa oatmeal thing, or the miso soup thing. Breakfast is about comfort, and in my opinion, the definition of comfort is a warm, toasted bagel that makes you want to spend the day in sweatpants on the couch with as many animals as you can fit.
The point is, I have a wheat allergy. The problem is, I love bread. The solution was obvious, but it took me awhile before I could embrace my new cooking journey i.e. purchase weirdo flours like sorghum, and weep while tossing out bags of sprouted whole wheat.
Herbed Gluten Free Buttermilk Biscuits
1 cup arrowroot starch
1/3 cup coconut flour
2/3 cup sorghum flour
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1 tablespoon baking powder
1 1/2 teaspoons xanthan gum
1 teaspoon salt
Handful of freshly chopped parsley or herbs of choosing
2 flax “eggs” (2 T ground flax seed + 6 T lukewarm water)
2/3 cup unsweetened soymilk
1 tablespoon apple cider vinegar
Preheat oven to 425. Combine all dry ingredients in a bowl, including herbs, and stir to combine. Mix the soymilk and vinegar in a separate bowl and allow to curdle for a few minutes to create your buttermilk. Meanwhile, whisk together flax “eggs” until gelatinous. Cut coconut oil into dry mixture using a fork, adding in teaspoon sized chunks until the 1/4 cup is fully used up and mixture is crumbly. Add “buttermilk” and flax “eggs” to mixture, and stir until ingredients are combined. Do not knead. Using your hands, spread dough out on to a clean surface until roughly 1 inch thick. Use a biscuit cutter to make 12 circular biscuits. Bake for 15 minutes, or until bottoms are lightly browned and an inserted toothpick comes out clean. Makes 12 biscuits, or enough to feed a small herd of wheat hating unicorns.
A lot of my friends live in what they refer to as “the city”, meaning New York, one of nearly 300 major cities in the US, but according to them might as well be the only one. When visiting, I still stumble over where Queens and the Bronx are in relation to dreary old Manhattan. In fact, a while back I drew a map for my buddy of how I thought the boroughs were arranged. He found it so hysterical that he showed it to other city dwellers so they could have a laugh. I’m okay with this. Actually, in a strange way I’m delighted to not know much about the city because everyone else claims the exact opposite. What I do know is that it has insanely good vegan restaurants ,and for that reason alone, I remain a frequent visitor.
On that note, Tom and I recently visited Clementine Bakery in Clinton Hill (yes, I just googled “Brooklyn neighborhoods”). We go to Clementine a lot because of its proximity to my brother-in-law’s place and for its insanely delicious tempeh reuben. Loaded with homemade apple sauerkraut, marinated tempeh, Daiya mozzarella cheese, and vegan thousand island dressing inside of freshly baked sourdough bread, you cannot go wrong with this sandwich. Yes, it’s full of Daiya cheese which I’m normally not the biggest fan of, but there is a time and place for processed vegan cheese, and this is most definitely one of them. The vibe inside is cute retro hipster, with tattooed, cat-loving-girls-only bakers and Beyonce blasting in the morning. The service is slow, but it’s okay because I like being there and everything is made fresh. Enjoy your reuben outside with a local coffee and the alley cat regulars who attack unsuspecting dogs passing by. Leave your unicorn friend at home so he doesn’t scare the cats away, but make sure you buy him a reuben to go.
I woke up this morning to a dead titmouse (that’s a type of bird by the way, not a mouse covered in breasts). The guilty person i.e. a certain 20 toed furred beast with sand for brains and a propensity for killing birds, was nowhere to be found. I put my robe on and scooped up the poor, soft winged soul and walked into the woods to lay him to rest in a more appropriate place than my blue carpet. Back in the kitchen I spotted her, perched like a sphinx, her tail slithering languidly across the floor, her expression the embodiment of satisfaction. I had a profound desire to pour a cup of cold water over her head while ranting about what a murderous, hideous creature she was, but how could I? She was just following her instinct, and presenting me with the prize to show her love. The trouble is, she shows me that “love” on an almost daily basis. Sure, I could leave her inside and bang my head against a wall amidst the continuous chorus of deprived cat sounds i.e. door scratching, mewing, and the occasional guttural outburst along the lines of a heavy rock plunking into water. This I fear, however, would only bring out mania of a different kind i.e. I’ll dress the cat up in a bird costume and shut her in a room with her brother Frodo. So instead, I let the cat outside, raided the empty fridge and decided that I wanted something other than coconut yogurt or wilted collard greens for breakfast.
Solution? Lemon poppyseed muffins! These moist, crumbly morsels of lemony goodness will make you spontaneously sprout wings so you can fly to the mother of the fallen titmouse and apologize in person. Yes, they’re that good. I used a mixture of brown rice and coconut flours to lighten up the flavor of the sprouted wheat, but you could probably make these gluten free by subbing the wheat flour for more coconut and brown rice flour, just make sure to up the liquid amount because coconut flour absorbs liquid like a sponge!
Lemon Poppyseed Muffins
1 cup sprouted whole wheat flour
1/2 cup coconut flour
1/2 cup brown rice flour
2/3 cup coconut sugar or date sugar
2 tablespoons poppy seeds
1 tablespoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon sea salt
1 + cup unsweetened soymilk, or preferred nut milk
1/2 cup melted refined coconut oil
1/4 cup lemon juice
Zest from 1/2 of a lemon
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
Preheat the oven to 375. In separate mixing bowls, add dry ingredients and wet ingredients. Mix together, then pour the wet into the dry and stir until just mixed, adding a little extra soymilk if the mixture seems to dry (you want it to be loose enough so that it doesn’t stick to a spoon). Grease a muffin tin with oil or soy butter, and fill each well about 3/4 with batter. Bake for 25 minutes, or until lightly browned on top and around the edges of the muffins. Allow to cool for 5 minutes, then pop out of tin and serve hot with soy butter! Makes 12 muffins, or enough to feed a small herd of titmouse mourning unicorns.
So Tom is from England. And lucky for him because his ridiculously cute accent is a huge part of why we started dating. And lucky for me, he turned out to be way more than just a cute accent. Yes, we frolic with unicorns, eat tempeh till our stomachs expand past the confines of our pants, and rant about the inadequacies of the dreaded “steamed vegetable plate” at restaurants. “Yes we are vegan, no we don’t eat fish, yes we eat a lot.” So you can imagine my initial fears of dining out in dreary old England. Translation: brownish, meat and potato type dishes with a fear of greens and names that sound more like bands than meals i.e. spotted dick, bangers and mash, toad in a hole, and bubble and squeak. Armed with a stash of granola and Vega bars, I timidly arrived in London, only to find the weather bright and sunny, and the food delicious! Now my stereotypical idea of England has vanished into the Thames as quickly as a cygnet diving for fish, and I am already craving a full english breakfast, vegan style of course. Below are some of the culinary delights we enjoyed during our stay.