Kale is the preeminent hottie celeb in veggie land; a leafy, tall, barefaced beauty, loaded with chlorophyll (no botox needed here) and ready to kick some free radical ass. Poor broccoli has all but been forgotten, even though this cruciferous superfood is a cancer fighting cross fitter with stalks of muscle and a thick head of green bushy hair to boot. In fact, a friend of mine recently read an article about how broccoli producers are trying to formulate new marketing strategies to bring broccoli’s sexy back. Food trends are crazy, and now that I’m the the ripe old age of 30, I can reflect with a haughty chuckle, the numerous foods that have enjoyed their 10 seconds of fame, and have since faded to obscurity i.e agave nectar, acai berries, veggie dogs, and anything made by Kashi.
One trend, however, that’s here to stay, involves those foods lucky enough to bear a shiny label that reads “Gluten Free”. Like its good friend (and liar) “All Natural”, gluten free foods are the newest paved road to immortality and visions of unicorns (unless, like me, you already live with one). I nearly wept when my blood test results came back declaring an allergy to wheat, thus ostracizing me with scarlet “GF” letters, and throwing me into a breadless basket of wheat haters. I love bread. No, I don’t think you understand–like, really, LOVE bread. If I don’t start my day with a sprouted whole wheat onion & poppyseed bagel toasted with herbed cashew cream cheese, I feel as though my soul is being slowly sucked away by a dementor (if you don’t know what a dementor is, then we’ll never be friends, however, for the sake of sharing important information, a dementor is a creature from the Harry Potter series that sucks all the happiness from your body until you die).
I can’t do the green smoothie thing, or the granola thing, or the quinoa oatmeal thing, or the miso soup thing. Breakfast is about comfort, and in my opinion, the definition of comfort is a warm, toasted bagel that makes you want to spend the day in sweatpants on the couch with as many animals as you can fit.
The point is, I have a wheat allergy. The problem is, I love bread. The solution was obvious, but it took me awhile before I could embrace my new cooking journey i.e. purchase weirdo flours like sorghum, and weep while tossing out bags of sprouted whole wheat.
Herbed Gluten Free Buttermilk Biscuits
1 cup arrowroot starch
1/3 cup coconut flour
2/3 cup sorghum flour
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1 tablespoon baking powder
1 1/2 teaspoons xanthan gum
1 teaspoon salt
Handful of freshly chopped parsley or herbs of choosing
2 flax “eggs” (2 T ground flax seed + 6 T lukewarm water)
2/3 cup unsweetened soymilk
1 tablespoon apple cider vinegar
Preheat oven to 425. Combine all dry ingredients in a bowl, including herbs, and stir to combine. Mix the soymilk and vinegar in a separate bowl and allow to curdle for a few minutes to create your buttermilk. Meanwhile, whisk together flax “eggs” until gelatinous. Cut coconut oil into dry mixture using a fork, adding in teaspoon sized chunks until the 1/4 cup is fully used up and mixture is crumbly. Add “buttermilk” and flax “eggs” to mixture, and stir until ingredients are combined. Do not knead. Using your hands, spread dough out on to a clean surface until roughly 1 inch thick. Use a biscuit cutter to make 12 circular biscuits. Bake for 15 minutes, or until bottoms are lightly browned and an inserted toothpick comes out clean. Makes 12 biscuits, or enough to feed a small herd of wheat hating unicorns.
I woke up this morning to a dead titmouse (that’s a type of bird by the way, not a mouse covered in breasts). The guilty person i.e. a certain 20 toed furred beast with sand for brains and a propensity for killing birds, was nowhere to be found. I put my robe on and scooped up the poor, soft winged soul and walked into the woods to lay him to rest in a more appropriate place than my blue carpet. Back in the kitchen I spotted her, perched like a sphinx, her tail slithering languidly across the floor, her expression the embodiment of satisfaction. I had a profound desire to pour a cup of cold water over her head while ranting about what a murderous, hideous creature she was, but how could I? She was just following her instinct, and presenting me with the prize to show her love. The trouble is, she shows me that “love” on an almost daily basis. Sure, I could leave her inside and bang my head against a wall amidst the continuous chorus of deprived cat sounds i.e. door scratching, mewing, and the occasional guttural outburst along the lines of a heavy rock plunking into water. This I fear, however, would only bring out mania of a different kind i.e. I’ll dress the cat up in a bird costume and shut her in a room with her brother Frodo. So instead, I let the cat outside, raided the empty fridge and decided that I wanted something other than coconut yogurt or wilted collard greens for breakfast.
Solution? Lemon poppyseed muffins! These moist, crumbly morsels of lemony goodness will make you spontaneously sprout wings so you can fly to the mother of the fallen titmouse and apologize in person. Yes, they’re that good. I used a mixture of brown rice and coconut flours to lighten up the flavor of the sprouted wheat, but you could probably make these gluten free by subbing the wheat flour for more coconut and brown rice flour, just make sure to up the liquid amount because coconut flour absorbs liquid like a sponge!
Lemon Poppyseed Muffins
1 cup sprouted whole wheat flour
1/2 cup coconut flour
1/2 cup brown rice flour
2/3 cup coconut sugar or date sugar
2 tablespoons poppy seeds
1 tablespoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon sea salt
1 + cup unsweetened soymilk, or preferred nut milk
1/2 cup melted refined coconut oil
1/4 cup lemon juice
Zest from 1/2 of a lemon
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
Preheat the oven to 375. In separate mixing bowls, add dry ingredients and wet ingredients. Mix together, then pour the wet into the dry and stir until just mixed, adding a little extra soymilk if the mixture seems to dry (you want it to be loose enough so that it doesn’t stick to a spoon). Grease a muffin tin with oil or soy butter, and fill each well about 3/4 with batter. Bake for 25 minutes, or until lightly browned on top and around the edges of the muffins. Allow to cool for 5 minutes, then pop out of tin and serve hot with soy butter! Makes 12 muffins, or enough to feed a small herd of titmouse mourning unicorns.