I hate / miso hungry salad

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DSC_0238I woke up this morning filled with hope, a bluebird on my shoulder, and a perfect cup of black tea. Then I tried to purchase Radiohead tickets at 10am on…Sold out…but mysteriously available on Stubhub and other sites for the reasonable price of $600+. Are you kidding me Radiohead? I love you, but your whole “download our music for free” thing doesn’t jive well with this “given to the highest bidder” ticket nonsense. Now I feel cheated, and my bluebird has turned into an obnoxious bluejay, and my hope has morphed into the Obama variety. My tea however, was still perfect: a 5 minute steep of black assam, splash of soymilk, a touch of raw honey, and a cat hair or two (for protein obviously). So what if I can’t go see my favorite band this week? There are an infinite amount of activities I can partake in on a Wednesday night in Greenwich. Perhaps I’ll spend $100 on a plate of steamed veggies and a glass of wine at an overpriced restaurant or stay at home with my beasts and watch the Lord of The Rings trilogy literally play out in my own apartment. Speaking of which, at the present moment, Dragon (Samwise Gamgee) is lost in Mordor (closet under the stairs). I always know when she’s lost because of her particular mew. Dragon has many mews. The “I’m lost” mew sounds like a question, as if she’s saying “Hello? Is anybody out there?” or in cat language “Purrr-raaoooww?” I usually reply with “Dragon, I’m over here.” Since I’ve rescued her, she has managed to get lost in room corners, paper bags, closets, and sadly…open spaces. Frodo (ring-bearer and savior of Middle Earth) never gets lost and is generally quiet and introverted…with one exception: silverware. For some unknown reason, the sound of silverware clanking against itself turns Frodo into a bizarre creature who makes cackling noises and twitches his tail as though he’s developed a neurotic tic. It’s gotten so bad lately that when he even sees me opening the dishwasher, he begins to cackle; a pathetic “reh, eh, eh” sound that attempts to convey his great suffering. Toast (Sauron) makes all of the typical dog sounds, including the three syllabled whine “hymph, hymph, hymmm” and the “I hear something”, bug-eyed, ears glued back muffled half-bark “boooufff!”.

My point in all of this? Proving that I have a fulfilling life with or without Radiohead tickets.

It’s lunchtime and I still feel defeated so I don’t feel like cooking. Solution? Miso Hungry Salad! This masterpiece of a dish is so easy to make, and will impress all of your friends because you can use health term zingers like “probiotics”, “apple cider vinegar”, and “vegan”. They will think you are a goddess in the kitchen even if you’re planning a coup on and haven’t made up your bed yet.

Miso Hungry Salad

for the salad:
1 large head of romaine lettuce or lettuce of choice, washed, spun & chopped (tip: chopping lettuce is so much easier when you slice once or twice from the root to the tip of the lettuce head, then turn horizontally and chop until you reach the root)
1 cup cooked or 1/2 can garbanzo or black beans, washed and drained (I use Eden organic brand when using canned beans because Eden doesn’t line their cans with Bisphenol-A, a known carcinogen)
1/4 cup red onion, minced
Optional additions: 1 small cucumber, deseeded and diced, 1 avocado, pitted and diced & a handful of sprouts

for the dressing:
1 heaping tablespoon of the following:
Brown rice miso (I use South River Miso = so freaking delicious you could eat it out of the jar & it contains probiotics that will fill your body with healthy bacteria)
Apple cider vinegar (I use Bragg’s organic apple cider vinegar)
Tahini (I use Once Again organic tahini)
2 tsp Penzey’s Fox Point seasoning (or you can use a blend of sea salt, shallots, chives, garlic, onion & green peppercorns)
splash of water
3 T extra virgin olive oil

In a mixing bowl, combine all ingredients except oil. Using a whisk, slowly stream in oil and mix until emulsified. Dressing should be thick, like a caesar or blue cheese dressing, but without any of the nasty dead fish or moldy cheese. Pour dressing over salad ingredients, toss, and serve to one or two ticketless unicorns.

for the shiitake bacon:
***this is an optional topping, but it will blow your mind and the minds of others.  It tastes like bacon, but it’s actually just a healthy mushroom.***
3 cups or 1 package shiitake mushrooms, finely sliced
1 T refined coconut oil
sea salt to taste
In a large saute pan, heat the oil over a high flame. Add mushrooms, but do not crowd (depending on the size of your pan, you might have to make this in two batches), and allow to cook, untouched (put down the wooden spoon!), for a few minutes until brown and crispy (your pan should be hot, smoking & sizzling…don’t get nervous). Flip the mushrooms over with a cock of your wrist or the use of your spoon, sprinkle with sea salt, and continue to cook until shrooms are crispy and dark brown. Remove from pan and allow to cool on a few pieces of paper towel to absorb excess oil. Serve as a topping for the Miso Hungry Salad (or just eat them off the towel and tell the unicorn that you overcooked them…)DSC_0247

So I wrote this book…

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Yes, this is my first post…
I just spent thirty minutes trying to learn how to blog on wordpress, and, having successfully confused myself, decided that the best way to solve my confusion was to try a different blogging site.  So here I am, slightly less confused, but still wondering if any of what I’m typing will actually reach other humans or if I’m just typing to myself.  And considering that I just finished typing up my first novel (enter cheers and congratulations here), this is a fear worth pointing out.  So what if my mom is the only one who’s read it?  She thinks it’s awesome and undoubtedly the next Harry Potter.  
I guess I should express to my current readers (myself & my dog), why I am starting a blog.  It was at the urging of my close friend, Jenn, that I change my status from being an unknown writer to an unknown writer who has a blog.  This seemed logical enough to me, but I have never followed blogs and have little knowledge as to what I should be writing about.  I saw some links for “better blogging tips” which when clicked upon, took me to an amazon page advertising some dumb book I had to buy in order to get these valuable tips.
Did I mention that I’m a vegan chef? Don’t even say it. I already know what you’re thinking: how do I get my protein, right?  I don’t.  I’m actually in a wheelchair and unable to do anything but blog anymore because my kwashiorkor has gotten so bad (for those of you who don’t know what kwashiorkor is, it’s a condition caused from severe protein deficiency, and the reason you’ve never heard of it? Exactly).
Did I mention that I have amazing pets?  Two cats named Dragon and Frodo Baggins, and a dog named Toast.
Hope you join me on my blogging adventures! Cheers!